It was always you
by tvdunlop
Summary: A couple parts, the years have been filled with trials and regrets. They have always strived to share their love for each other. One shot Luby. Rated M for some themes


Looking at your still body I feel the first thread of fear snaking through me. Our relationship has never been smooth. I almost smile as I remember the fights, the shooting, even the abuse.

flashback

"Abby?"

"What Luka?"

"I know that we've been having problems, but let's put them behind us for the good of our children, don't push me away again."

"Luka, I don't know if I can."

"I won't ask this of you ever again, it's the last time," you promised me.

present  
Somehow I knew not to push you away, knew that it would permanently destroy our marriage. That night when I heard you'd been shot and were likely never going to regain consciousness, I dropped the kids off at Carter's and I drank, I drank like a fish. I slit my wrists until the bathtub was almost an inch deep in blood. Carter knew that something had happened, that was the only time someone other than you helped me through sometime in our whole time as a married couple.

He managed to bind my wounds and get me to bed.

He was watching me sadly when I woke up, "Carter?"

"I'm here, I wish I weren't." He sounded his usual subdued self.

"How?" I wondered about how he knew.

"I followed you home; I knew you'd do something stupid."

I sat up noticing the bandages.

"You sliced your wrists," he said softly.

I sized them up, "Yeah badly huh?"

"The bathtub had a lot of blood in it," he said.

"Did I drink?" He nodded.

I groaned, "Damn it, are the kids okay?"

"They stayed with Susan," he responded.

"Luka?" "He's okay, he woke up this morning. Kerry called and was surprised when I answered. I told her I'd brought you home."

I sighed with relief, "I didn't know what to do, if he'd been brain dead or something else." "You are going to have a lot of explaining to do to him."

"You're not going to tell him?" I was horrified.

"Nope, but I imagine the scars will be hard to miss."

I staggered out of bed, "I'm taking a shower."

"No you're not." He is giving me an order.

I glared at him, "Excuse me?"

"You're going to do something stupid," he said.

I sighed, "No, tried that, didn't work."

"I'm knocking on the door every three minutes, and don't take more than fifteen minutes." I saluted him and climbed into the shower.

You were awake when I arrived, "Thank god," I flung my arms around you. You held me and murmured that you would never leave me. I was angry at you but suddenly I didn't remember that part. You kissed me and the horrors of the past year melted away in your arms. I brought you home that night and probably because you'd come so close to death, making love was the main thing on your mind. You went to undress me and I asked you to turn off the lights. You obeyed and I knew that even then you'd know about the scars. I had taken off the bandages, but the nasty cuts with almost seventy stitches were hard to miss.

You climbed on me and pushed my arms above my head running your hands up; just before you reached the cuts I started to cry softly and shake.

You're hands stopped abruptly on them, "Abby, what happened?"

You were terrified; I could hear it in your voice. "I'm so sorry Luka," I whispered. You reached for the bedside lamp, "NO," I cried out.

"Abby, please," your voice was soft, desperate, loving.

"Okay," I whispered.

You turned on the light and examined the cuts gently, "Who did the stitches?" you asked. "Carter," I responded.

"Why don't you tell me what happened?" I told you the whole painful story, the fear, the anger, the pain, the desire to end it all.

"Did you drink?" your question made me feel ashamed, "Yes."

"How much," I was surprised you asked.

"Enough," I finally replied.

Apparently that was good enough for you.

I thought you were going to question me more, but instead you lowered your lips to my scars and began to place butterfly kisses on them. I felt tears running down my cheeks and your lips moved from my scars to my tear stained cheeks. Oh how I loved you at that moment. "You're beautiful," you murmured as your lips traced their way down my body, I was in bliss. You entered me carefully allowing me to feel you and then you started to make love to me. I choked on my tears as you whispered something in Croatian in my ear.

Then you said softly in English, "Don't hide your tears my love, it's alright to cry, don't fear it, just feel it."

That day was the moment of our love, the moment when we pledged to make it work. I knew then that you'd never leave me and when I stopped crying, I was able to bring you to the same heaven as I had been in. We moved on from there, it was slow at first but we became united, whole and our family was repaired.

Our children knew of our marital difficulties. We were different in that way, we didn't want them to hide in their rooms and guess what had happened. After a fight, we'd sit them down and tell them as much as we felt was right. They asked about my scars and I told them frankly that mommy had suffered from depression and that she had cut herself. They were confused and uncertain, but we got them through it. God, before that night, the things we did and said to each other make me wonder how the hell we managed to get through it all in one piece. I knew you were a womanizer before I married you so I don't know why I was so surprised that you started to cheat on me. I didn't turn to Carter for aid, we'd survived too much and I knew if I talked to Susan the whole hospital would know and I sure as hell didn't want that to happen. I knew they'd probably say, "Abby can't satisfy her husband in bed because he's cheating on her." You admitted it outright to me, I was pregnant with our first child and you hadn't known. I remember looking at you and feeling desperate for a drink. I did crack that night, I yelled at you, I forget what I said and I ran out. You didn't follow, I thought my life was over and I bought a bottle of vodka. You weren't there when I got home so I drank, I don't know how much. I was passed out when you found me, in a puddle of vomit; you rushed me to the ER. Luckily Carter wasn't there; he would have probably killed me on sight. They pumped my stomach and lessened the amount of alcohol in my blood. When I saw your swollen face next to me I felt terrible.

You had cried and you whispered, "Why?" I turned away.

"Didn't you know you were pregnant?" your voice was shaky. I nodded.

"How could you do this?"

"Do you know what it's like to feel alone Luka?" You were silent and I knew you were realizing what a living hell you'd made my life and that you were trying to figure out what to say.

"I know you do," I whispered to ease your discomfort. "I need you to acknowledge that you hurt me."

You nodded, "I'm not good enough for you Abby, and we've known that for a long time." I turned to you, "I don't feel good enough for you either, and I guess that makes us a perfect fit."

Carter did find out and he found me outside the next day.

"You drank," he stated.

I nodded, "Yes I did."

"Why?" He always wanted to make me better.

"I know you're not going to believe this, but I'm okay."

He didn't meet my eyes, "Okay whatever Abby." He has never believed that I'm okay, and maybe I'm not, maybe I haven't ever been and if you die now I won't ever be. But I've been happy, for the most part. Your love has made me strong and he has never understood what I've seen in you. You accepted me and let me lean on you, at the same time you forced me to see the damage I was doing to us with my destructive habits. I changed a little, cleaned up a bit, for you, for our family. I stopped smoking while I was pregnant; I made sure I got rest. The delivery was so fucking hard.

I screamed at you that day.

Flashback

"Damn you Luka,"  
"I'm sorry baby, but you're doing great and we're going to be parents. Just imagine what she'll look like, I'm so proud of you, hold onto me Abby."  
Your voice was a godsend. You'd done this twice before, I'd never done it.

When she was laid in my arms I knew that she was the most perfect thing I'd ever seen, we'd created her together.

Present

You moan and I lean in.

"Abby, promise me you'll move on." Your voice is choked and I start to cry silently.

I place your hand against my cheek and you smile at the feel of the wet tears.

"Don't cry love, don't be afraid."

I knew that you were happy to see your first wife and children, but I was scared.

"I don't want you to leave me alone." My voice was cracking.

"I love you, you know that." Of course I know you love me.

I clutched his hand tightly, "Damn it Luka, don't you dare die on me."

"My time is up," your voice is peaceful.

I want to cry and scream, but you don't have a choice and we both know that. I have to make your last moments easier, make them count. I lean in, "I've loved you every moment Luka, and I don't regret anything."

Your fingers trace those scars which have never healed, 'I'm sorry for any pain I've…"

I cut you off, "You have made my life what it is today, I wouldn't change a thing."

Our eyes say the rest and I can tell you are preparing to leave. You said your good byes to the family and now we sit together. You hold out your arms to me and I crawl into them for the last time, this has been our nightly routine every night we've ever slept together, your arms are home to me. You wrap me up in your huge warm embrace and I fit so perfectly, I always have.

Our breathing is one and slowly I sleep, "I love you forever," you say in my ear, I nestle more closely into your chest in response.

I wake in your arms, they are still warm thank goodness, but I know you have died, recently. I lie there hoping that I am mistaken, but I know what death is and you are dead. I fall back to sleep loving your arms and wake on a bed, they've taken you away from me.

The funeral was simple, like you would have wanted; we talked about your burial. We picked a plot, but you wanted to be scattered over the sea in Croatia. I booked a flight, you were going home. As I open the urn, your ashes glare at me and I shake them over the sea. You told me once that no matter what happened to me you'd always be there. I guess you forgot you'd die someday. Suddenly I feel you near me and I know that you're happy and at peace.


End file.
